


Katharsis

by LadyCosmos



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-22
Updated: 2013-11-22
Packaged: 2018-01-02 07:46:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1054252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyCosmos/pseuds/LadyCosmos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Makoto's death, Rin is dealt the task of helping Haru through his grief.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Katharsis

**Author's Note:**

> This is not a happy fic. If character death and angst are not your thing, don't read this.
> 
> This is a death fic.
> 
> This is not a RinHaru fic. The story focuses on their friendship and Haru's suffering after Makoto's death. I'm a MakoHaru fan and generally don't write outside my pairing.
> 
> If you have any questions about my plot choices or history, please ask me. I have an entire history and know exactly what happened throughout the entire story so if you're confused or want clarification, let me know.
> 
> Please feel free to leave comments.

It was 8:30PM and Makoto was late.

He was actually more than late because late would have been 6 or 7 o’clock with an apologetic message.  Haru doesn’t know what this was, then.

He flicked his phone across the table, glaring at the front door as if it were to blame.  The children had gone to finish their homework over an hour ago and the dinner he had left out for Makoto was well past cold.  Haru hadn’t had any luck getting in touch with Makoto, either.  Either his phone was dead or he wasn’t able to answer.  Both options annoyed Haru greatly.

Pushing away from the table, he shuffled aimlessly around the living room.  He stopped in the doorway to stare at the front door before heading down the hall and pausing at the twins’ bedroom.  The soft sounds of paper shuffling and pencils tapping on the table drifted from the closed door.  Haru didn’t want to disturb them and cause them any worry so he continued down the hall to the backdoor.

The stray neighborhood cats had already been fed, the empty saucer still sitting on the stone steps.  He bent to retrieve it and Makoto’s favorite snuck out from under a bush for one last scratch.

Haru indulged the cat for a little bit before heading back in with the dish.  Dropping it off in the kitchen sink, he looked around the living room one last time, hoping Makoto might have arrived when he was outside, before returning to his chair.

It was now 9:00PM and Makoto still wasn’t home.

Letting out a clipped sigh, Haru decided it was better to keep busy and wait than do nothing and get irritated.

Picking up the left out food and dishes, Haru headed to the kitchen to clean up dinner, turning on the TV as an afterthought.  Staring at the minor mess in front of him, Haru allowed himself a moment of passing irritation at Makoto for making him cook and clean dinner that night.

_“…has not been completed, officials are estimating as many as 50 people may have…”_

Haru turned the volume of the TV down as he started cleaning.  He placed his cellphone on the counter within easy reach after checking the screen for any messages or missed phone calls.  Makoto was never this late without telling him.  The water flowed across the dishes while Haru’s thumb hovered over Makoto’s name.  It wasn’t that he was worried, he told himself, it was just irresponsible of Makoto not to call.  Makoto always called when he was leaving work so what was different today?

_“…took the turn too fast and derailed, heading straight into the department store.  Nagoya Railroad has issued a statement that they will…”_

Haru turned off the water and began scrubbing the dishes furiously.  Maybe the Tachibanas knew where Makoto was?  What if work had kept him late?  Wouldn’t Haru have heard something by now?  And Makoto loved seeing the twins off to bed, reading to them before they fell asleep.  No matter what happened, he was always home in time to continue their story.

Putting the last dish away, Haru checked his phone again.

It was 9:40PM and still no message from Makoto.

As much as he didn’t want to take away from the time Makoto got with the girls, Haru decided it was time to get the girls to bed.  Although they begged and pleaded to stay up, or for Haru to at least read them some of their story – which Haru refused because it was Makoto’s favorite time in the evening – the twins finally got ready and headed to bed.

Back in the kitchen, Haru debated making everyone’s lunches for the next day.  Normally, he and Makoto made them together but he still hadn’t heard anything yet.  Was Makoto going to make it home tonight?  Had he been delayed at work or were they making him work overnight?  Wouldn’t he have said something by now?  Did Makoto have something planned tonight and Haru had forgotten?

Deep in frustrated and anxious thought, Haru nearly jumped when his phone buzzed beside his hand.  Relief washed over Haru as he wiped his hands on his shirt before picking up the phone and pressing answer.

“Makoto,” he stated.

“Is this Tachibana Haruka?” an unfamiliar female voice said on the other side.

Haru sighed and leaned back against the counter, finally seeing the news on the TV.

_“..it will take months for the investigation to be completed into the crash of the Mikawa Line.”_

“Yes.” Haru couldn’t breathe.  Makoto took the train to work.

“I’m sorry to contact you in this manner but there has been an accident.”

It was difficult to breathe when the floor felt like it was tilting beneath his feet.  Haru tried to grip the counter but his fingers only grasped at air.  His skin felt tight.

It was 10:15 and Makoto was not coming home.

++

Rin still felt as if someone was pulling a horrible prank on him.  Unconsciously, he tugged at his shirt collar as the chanting continued.  He could hear Nagisa sniffling beside him, hands trembling slightly on his knees.  Gou sat quietly to his left, hands folded sedately on her lap as she gazed quietly at the coffin.  Rin felt incredibly uncomfortable so close to them and pulled at his collar again.

The incense was beginning to make his head hurt.  His eyes stung and he rubbed them hard.  It felt as though they’d been kneeling forever, listening to the priest chant and perform the ritual.  Rin didn’t want to be there; didn’t remember how they had gotten to this point.  He had just talked to Makoto yesterday about visiting his nieces and now…

Rin glanced towards the front of the crowd.  Haru was kneeling next to Mrs. Tachibana, his back completely straight.  Gou had told him Haru was okay, the Tachibanas had watched over him and the twins that first night.  But watching Haru now, Rin felt uneasy.

The incense being passed around finally reached him.  Rin’s head hurt and his eyes stung. 

He hated the smell of incense.

++

Everyone shuffled into the small, white room and watched as the remains of Tachibana Makoto were wheeled out.  Since his father had drowned, Rin had never been through this part of the funeral and it made his stomach churn. 

The attendants were quick and professional, removing everything that wasn’t bone while the urn was uncovered.  Makoto’s parents and Haru stepped forward first, picking up the chopsticks laid out for them.  Rin swallowed, feeling a slight sweat break out of his forehead and the back of his hands.  It was such a disconnect to try to relate the bones on the table to the strong images of Makoto in his memory.

Rin focused on Haru throughout the process, wondering how he was able to remain so calm.  Mrs. Tachibana was crying silently, wiping her eyes with a handkerchief; Mr. Tachibana looked old and tired, as if the loss of his son had taken years from his life.  But Haru hadn’t changed; his face never wavering from his normal blank expression, eyes cold and distant.  What was he really feeling?

Makoto would know, Rin’s fists clenched.  Makoto would know with just a glance and be there if Haru needed him.  But now…

Haru picked up the first bone.  The Tachibanas picked a bone up together.

Does Haru know how to live without that?  Rin wondered as the first bone dropped into the urn.  Haru’s hands trembled.

++

“Have you talked to Haru-chan?” Nagisa looked up at Rin with his bright eyes.  Rin slurped his noodles while trying to determine what Nagisa was talking about.

“We just saw Haru.” It was the seventh day after Makoto’s death.  The Tachibanas had held a small ceremony at their house to pray for his soul which a number of people had attended.  Haru had been there even if he hadn’t been approachable.  Damn, Rin hadn’t even been able to offer his condolences yet.  It made him worry more than he’d say.

Nagisa glanced at Rei and Gou, gnawing on his lip.  He had something to say but was being uncharacteristically restrained.  Huffing, Rin glared at him.

“What?”

“Hmm?” Nagisa hummed, picking at the food in front of him. “We’ve seen Haru but I don’t think anyone has talked to him.”

“Something’s wrong.” Rei stated calmly.  Nagisa nodded in agreement.

“What do you mean?  Haru’s not exactly the easiest person to get along with.  He’s pretty fucking irritating on the best days.” Rin glared at his friends, wondering if they could pick up his unstated message.

_You don’t just get over someone you love in a week._

“Maybe, but…” Rei began.

“Haru-chan’s empty.” Nagisa finished.  He gave his food a sad smile. “Or rather, Makoto’s place in his life is empty.”

Gou nodded in agreement while she toyed with the lip of her teacup. 

“Don’t be stupid.  Haru’s still the same.  Just give him some fucking time, all right?” Rin growled, throwing some money on the table before walking out the restaurant.

++

It was a month later when Rin heard from anyone again.  Nagisa’s text lit up his screen late one night.

**Have you seen Haru-chan lately?**

Not this again.  Rin wanted to scream at them; shake them until they finally understood what he had already told them: you don’t get over someone you love so quickly.  Rin typed a short, terse message that said, at its core, leave Haru the fuck alone.   He and Makoto hadn’t been that close but even Rin was still trying to come to terms with his death.   He didn’t even want to think about how Haru was feeling.

Instead of dropping it like he should have, Nagisa called.

“What?” Rin greeted him.

“Rin-chan, I’m worried,” Nagisa sounded lost, almost afraid.  Rin paused before he spoke again; if something was bothering Nagisa this much, it was probably worth listening to him.  Kid was damn perceptive.

“Why?”

“Haru-chan’s been too quiet,” Nagisa started.  Rin could hear something shuffling in the background. “Rei-chan and I have been trying to get him to come out with us to the pool but he never answers his phone.  Gou-chan even asked if she could come by and take the twins out.  No one’s seen him since the seventh day ceremony, not even the Tachibanas!”

That made something curl uneasily in Rin’s stomach.  Even if Haru avoided everyone else, why would he avoid his family?

“What do you want me to do?” he asked, knowing that had to be the reason Nagisa was telling him all this.  He heard Nagisa sigh, imagined his determined face on the other end.  It made him smile; a little.

“I think Rin-chan is the only one who can help Haru-chan now.  Haru-chan’s never lived without Mako-chan.  I don’t think he knows how.  But Rin-chan learned to live without his father so many you can help Haru-chan learn how too.”

Rin was sure his heart had stopped.  Fucking Nagisa; kid was too damn perceptive.  Raking a hand through his hair, Rin considered his options.  Letting Haru disconnect from everyone was not an option.  They had all come too far to let someone fall now.  And he didn’t want to disappoint Makoto either.

“Yeah,” he finally agreed. “Yeah.  I’ll help Haru.”

++

Rin sent his first text that night.

**Do you want to talk?**

A week later and no response.

++

**Haven’t hung out with your kids in a while.  What about going to the pool?**

This time, Rin only waited a day before calling.

“Haru, I’m coming over this weekend to take my nieces out.  You’re invited too.”

When Rin arrived at the house, only Hisoka and Kizue greeted him.  Haru didn’t even see his children off.

++

Three weeks later, Rin still hadn’t seen or heard from Haru.  He tried not to be upset; really, he knew what it was like to grieve.  He tried, but it was useless.  Haru wasn’t trying to move forward.

Well, if trying to be a nice guy didn’t get him anywhere, Rin was pretty sure he knew what would.

**I haven’t beaten your ass in a while.  Better be ready to lose this weekend.**

He didn’t have to say anything else.  Haru would know.

Rin received a text the next day.

**I’m done swimming.**

“…fuck…” Rin muttered, pressing his forehead against the window.

++

Haru was home, Rin knew; he had stopped to talk with the Tachibanas before coming.  He felt the worst for them; not only had they lost their son, they were losing their son-in-law as well.  Rin was pretty sure he’d kick Haru’s ass just for that if he got the chance.

The sound of his pounding echoed through the house.  Not expecting an answer, Rin moved to the backdoor and let himself in.

“Haru!” he called into the empty house.

No answer.

“I know you’re here so don’t try to hide.”

Five minutes later, a thin, tired Haru walked down the stairs.  Saying nothing, he headed towards the kitchen only pausing to make sure the incense at Makoto’s shrine still burned.

Rin hadn’t been to Haru’s since before the accident.  Keeping a respectful silence, he stepped towards the shrine and silently paid his respects.

_Makoto, I could really use your help here._

Clearing his throat, Rin followed Haru into the kitchen.  Expecting the worst, he was surprised to see everything so well cleaned and kept.  Haru had pulled out some food and seemed to be prepping for what Rin could only guess was dinner.  There was a surprising lack of fish and Rin couldn’t stop the pain he felt when he wondered if that had happened before or after the accident.

Taking a deep breath, Rin steeled his resolve and approached Haru.

“Hey, look.  I…uhh…Haru,” he hated that he couldn’t seem to say what he wanted.  Everything seemed to stick in his throat as he watched Haru move silently around the kitchen, not paying the least bit of attention to Rin’s presence. “Dammit, Haru.  You can’t just shut everyone out!”

An icy glaze slid over Rin suddenly making him very aware of the large knife Haru was holding and the fact that his friend was probably not anywhere near emotionally stable at the moment.  But he held his ground because it was Haru, and Makoto wouldn’t let him out of this.

“Shit, that came out wrong.  It’s just…dammit, Haru.  Everyone’s worried.  Nagisa’s really scared and Rei’s trying to hold him together.  Gou and Seijuurou ask about you every day pretty much and the Tachibanas…” Rin’s fingernails bit into his palms when he thought about Makoto’s family.

The clock on the wall ticked loudly in the following silence.  Rin kept his breathing slow and even, forcing his emotions in check.

“You know, Makoto-“

“Our daughters will be back soon. “ Haru interrupted, quietly but forcefully.  Rin flinched as if he had been struck.  How long had it been since he’d heard Haru’s voice?  Had it always sounded so dead?

Stepping around the other man, Haru walked to the front door and held it open expectedly.

Rin felt anger, frustration, and just a little bit of despair well up in his throat.  Passing through the doorway, Rin flicked his eyes over Haru’s face.  There was just nothing there.  He paused on the front doorstep, half turned to the door.

“Haru, you can talk-“

The door was closed and locked without so much as a goodbye.  Spitting on the ground, Rin shoved his hands in his pockets and left.  He didn’t know if he wanted to face Makoto’s parents right now but he knew they deserved to know.

Even if Makoto would forgive him for giving up, for not being able to reach Haru, Rin knew he didn’t have the option.

++

The school hadn’t changed in almost thirty years.  Rin sighed as he leaned against the gates, waiting for the final bell to ring and release the students.  If he was bold enough, he was sure he could find the cherry blossom tree he still remembered so vividly and the brick garden around it.

The bell shrieked across the school grounds and it wasn’t long before the sound of laughter and shouting could be heard from the building.  Moving out of the way of the coming crowd, Rin checked the streets quickly.  He was sure Haru wasn’t the type to accompany his children to and from school but it was difficult to say what was normal for Haru these days.  Running a hand through his hair, he watched the crowds for a familiar pair of auburn heads.

“Uncle Rin!  Uncle Rin!” Two voices called out.

Rin smiled as he waved to the two girls, “Yo!”

Grinning wildly, the girls threw their arms around their uncle causing him to nearly fall.

“We haven’t seen you in so long!”

“Did you go overseas again?”

“Is Aunt Gou with you?”

“Did you bring us anything back?”

Happily mussing their hair, Rin waited until the questions stopped before trying to talk.

“Nah, I’ve been staying put for now.  I thought it might be nice if I took you out for some ice cream.” The twins squealed in excitement and, each taking one of Rin’s hands, pulled him down the street.

Although Rin had a lot he’d like to ask the girls, the walk to the store was filled with their constant chatter; one picked up where the other left off leaving little room for conversation.  He was content to listen, though.  It was rare for him to have enough time to spare on surprise outings like this. 

The girls chose a two person popsicle to split and as Hisoka broke the pair, Rin was painfully reminded just how much like Makoto they were.  Gently, he guided them to a bench overlooking the beach and sat down with them.

They continued chattering aimlessly for a couple of minutes before silently enjoying their ice cream.  Taking a slow, deep breath, Rin turned to consider the girls a moment.  It felt wrong to talk to them this way; as if he were going behind Haru’s back, but Rin didn’t feel he had a choice anymore.

“Hisoka, Kizue,” they turned bright, green eyes on him.  Rin cleared his throat, turning his attention on the ocean before continuing, “Is everything okay?”

Hisoka took a bit of her popsicle before turning her head away in a very Haru-like fashion.  Kizue just smiled gently at her popsicle for a moment before looking at Rin.

“We’re fine, Uncle Rin.  Dad has been taking really good care of us since-“ Her voice hitched just a little and Rin flinched. “We’re fine.  We are but…”

“We’re worried about Dad.” Hisoka spoke softly, still looking away.  Kizue took a bite of her popsicle as her twin continued. “Papa did so much for us and we think Dad has been trying to fill his place.”

“But Papa was Papa and Dad is Dad.” Kizue’s smile disappeared as she sniffled. “Dad doesn’t…he hasn’t…”

“We say prayers every day for Papa but, ” Hisoka took her twins hand, popsicle melting at her side, “Grandma Tachibana says Dad can’t let go of Papa.”

Rin swiftly knelt in front of his nieces, hands hesitating above their shoulders.  Kizue was the first to break, wrapping her arms around Rin as she started crying.  Hisoka joined her a second later, hands fisting in Rin’s shirt, spreading ice cream everywhere.

“We miss him!” Kizue sobbed into his shoulder. “It isn’t fair!  It isn’t fair!”

Carefully, Rin placed his hands on their heads, holding them close as they broke down.

“We don’t want to lose Papa.  We don’t want to lose Dad, either.” Hisoka sniffled into Rin’s shirt.

“We’re scared, Uncle Rin.”

++

It felt like an eternity for Rin to walk the girls back to their home.  He had let them go the last few steps alone, claiming there was someone he wanted to speak with before he left.  Instead, he watched as discreetly as possible as Haru opened the door for them; his face lit up in a way Rin hadn’t seen in months. 

Rin considered what the twins had told him that afternoon.  How Haru had tried to fill Makoto’s place in their life; trying to keep everything as normal as possible for them.  But there were moments when he slipped or completely changed his behavior.

_“Dad doesn’t swim or go near water anymore.” Hisoka stared out at the ocean as they continued their walk home._

_“Ah.  He said something like that.” Rin spoke softly, wondering if they knew why._

_“We loved watching Dad and Papa swim,” Kizue spoke up, gently swinging her and Rin’s hand back and forth. “Papa used to hold Dad back when we went to swim practice, ya know?  Everyone thought Dad was crazy and Papa was always apologizing when he couldn’t stop Dad.”_

_Rin chuckled quietly at the image.  He didn’t imagine Haru would ever stop that weird habit.  He sighed._

_“Do you know why he stopped?”_

_Kizue shrugged and looked behind Rin’s back at Hisoka.  They must have said something silently because Hisoka spoke up next._

_“Right after Papa’s…we went back to practice.  Dad came to pick us up and, Kizue was still changing but I saw…” Rin waited, squeezing Hisoka’s hand as she looked at her feet, “Dad didn’t see me.  He was staring at the pool and was starting to take off his shirt.  He did this weird thing like he was pushing someone away and he just…stopped.  Like he froze and just stood there.  I think…I think it was meant for Papa.”_

_Something clicked for Rin.  Throughout the entire process, the death notification and certification, the wake and the funeral, Haru hadn’t fully accepted Makoto’s death.  But when Makoto wasn’t there to stop him from something he did on a daily basis, when he’d come to rely on Makoto being the voice of reason in his life, Haru finally realized he was gone._

Deep in thought, Rin made his way up the mountain, feet unconsciously following a path through the streets.  The wind picked up as he made his way to the cliff side where the family gravestones faced the ocean.  It had been a while since he’d visited and he felt he could use some guidance.

Clearing some twigs and leaves from his father’s headstone, Rin prayed silently a moment before looking out over the water.

“Hey, pops.  I hope you can help me out here.  One of my friends died a few months back.  It’s been really hard because he was a real nice guy.” Scratching the back of his neck, Rin felt a little embarrassed. “He was sort of my first friend here.  Or not here but, you know what I mean, right?”

Rin couldn’t see anyone else in the graveyard but he could smell the incense burning around him.  He felt bad for not thinking to stop and buy some; next time he’d bring extra to make up for it.

“Anyway, I’m doing okay.  I miss him but it’s easier this time.  I’ve got a lot of friends; some really good friends.  And that’s my problem.” Rin rubbed his hands across his thighs, unsure of what he really wanted to say. “One guy’s not taking it too good.  Ahh…I guess you could call Haru his husband so of course he isn’t.  But remember when you died?  And I wasn’t doing too good?  What…how…was there…”

A gust of wind blew through the graveyard, bringing the salty scent of the ocean and the distant sound of children playing below.  Rin paused to listen.

“Huh.  Yeah, you’re right.  Thanks for the advice, pops.”

Rin stood and brushed the dirt and grass from his pants.  He shoved his hands in his pockets and started making his way out of the graveyard before a thought struck him.  Turning on his heels, Rin headed down a path he had only been once before.  After a few wrong turns and confusion, he finally found the stone he was looking for. 

Tachibana Makoto read down the left side of the stone; on the right, Tachibana Haruka was engraved but covered in red.  A fading custom that Haru had to have learned from his grandmother.

Hesitantly, Rin stepped into the family graveyard.  Once more, he silently offered his prayers to the dead before taking a moment to think about what he wanted to say.

“Yo, Makoto.” He raised his hand in a half-hearted wave then ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s been a while.  I wish we had gotten a chance to talk more before…well, this.”

Clearing his throat, Rin stared at the burnt out incense sticks before him.  Makoto’s parents or siblings had probably come by recently.  For some reason, Rin knew Haru hadn’t visited since they moved the ashes.

“Just so you know, everyone really misses you.  I guess none of us really knew what you meant to the group until now.  Well, Nagisa probably knew; kid’s always been perceptive.  Haru always knew, too.” Rin took a deep breath, considering his next words. “We’re going to take good care of Haru so don’t worry.  You won’t see him again for a long time.”

The sun had started to set and the breeze from the ocean had died down.  A lone bird landed on the tombstone and glanced curiously at Rin before flying off.  He smiled and stood up, brushing his legs off one more time.

“We miss you a lot, you know.” He said as he turned halfway to gaze out over the water. “But I don’t want to owe you any favors before we meet again.”

 

Slowly, Rin headed out of the graveyard.  Once he was on his way back down the mountain, he pulled out his phone and made a call.

“Yo, Nagisa.  What have you got planned this weekend?”

++

The first time Rin forced himself in to Haru’s house he had brought Nagisa with him.  It really hadn’t been breaking in because the twins had welcomed them when they arrived, but Haru made it clear they weren’t welcome.

Nagisa was great with the girls.  They played house and had tea parties and romped through the house happily while Rin just grinned and participated when asked but was otherwise content to watch.  Haru had stayed in the backyard, reading or drawing or something but not getting involved with his guests.  The only times he entered the house were when Hisoka or Kizue asked him for a treat or his help.

Rin would have been content staying all day but Haru had kicked them out as he started cooking dinner.  Giving the man a bored expression, Rin had shrugged and took Nagisa with him as he left the house.  All the way to the train station, Nagisa had hummed contentedly and made comments about how nice it was to spend time at Haru’s again.

Waving goodbye to his friend, Rin pulled out his phone and contacted Rei.

**Meet at 10:00 tomorrow?**

++

Sunday went much the same as Saturday except instead of tea parties and house Rei helped the girls finish their homework and studies.  Haru glared at Rin as they entered; Rin smirked and let the girls pull him into the living room.  This time, at least, Haru didn’t wait for the girls to ask him for snacks and drinks.  After placing the tray on the table and kissing the girls’ foreheads, Haru left to sit outside once more, still not acknowledging his guests.

Rei exchanged glances with Rin but shrugged off the insult as he turned back to help the twins.  Rin flicked through the TV, not finding anything too interesting to watch.  The English homework was already finished so he felt useless.

After another half hour of channel surfing, Rin stepped out of the room and down the hall to the backyard.  He stopped when he caught sight of Haru sitting on the back porch, forehead pressed to what looked like a child’s book.  Unsure of himself, Rin awkwardly shifted from one foot to the other.  Haru wasn’t doing anything other than sitting there but his posture made it seem to intimate.  Going with his instincts, Rin turned back and walked down the hall to the front door, only stopping to tell Rei he was heading back early.

Rei nodded his acknowledgment before continuing his tutoring.

++

Gou and her son visited the next day.  From what she told him, Rin assumed that Haru had ignored her just as he had everyone else.

Nitori offered to go with Rin the next time and he accepted warily.  Haru still ignored his guests.

Mrs. Tachibana caught them on their way home that night and wondered what Rin was doing at this end of town.  Carefully, Rin explained his plan, how everyone had agreed to continually visit Haru’s each day until he was himself again.  As she stared at him for several moments, Rin wondered for the first time if he was doing the right thing, pushing Haru this way.  When she offered to visit the next night, he let out a mental sigh of relief.

The days passed swiftly as everyone fell into a pattern, making sure someone was always at Haru’s each night for a few hours.

Rin felt a small amount of victory when Seijuurou told him Haru had actually played with the children.  Gou left the room, flustered, when Haru laughed at something their son had said.  But even as he involved himself with the kids, Haru still wouldn’t acknowledge his friends.

++

It was another month before Rin felt he could push Haru any further.  This time, Rin visited when he knew the twins were out with their grandparents.  He didn’t bother knocking as he entered the house, calling out to Haru as he toed off his shoes.

“Haru!  I know you’re here so don’t make me find you.” A minute later, Haru entered from the back yard carrying an empty bowl. 

_Still feeding strays_ , Rin thought as he followed Haru into the kitchen.  He noticed that incense still burned at Makoto’s shrine.  As Haru cleaned the bowl and put it away, Rin fidgeted in the doorway.

“Haru, you need to get out of the house.” Haru walked by Rin without looking at him.  Biting back a curse, Rin turned and followed Haru around the house. “Look, I get it.  You don’t think I understand?  But this isn’t good, you know.  You can’t lock yourself up and forget to live.”

Haru paused by Makoto’s shrine and Rin knew what he needed to say.

“Makoto would have wanted this.”

Rin braced himself when he saw Haru’s back tense, his fingers curl in slightly before relaxing and falling to his sides.  Slowly, reluctantly, Haru turned his head to look at Rin over his shoulder.  After a minute of silence, Haru lifted his chin and looked off to the side.  Although Rin was nowhere as good at reading Haru as Makoto was, he still knew what that look meant.

Haru was allowing Rin to win.

Releasing a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, Rin rubbed the back of his head.  This was supposed to be the easy part.

“Great.  I have somewhere I want to take you.”

++

The train was thankfully empty when Rin and Haru stepped on.  Haru seemed completely disinterested in whatever Rin was taking him to do or else he would have realized where they were headed.  Every few seconds, Rin would glance at Haru anticipating an argument any moment.  To calm his nerves, or perhaps he just wanted to talk to Haru, Rin kept up a steady one-sided conversation.

Although all his family and friends had been visiting him daily for over two months, Rin wasn’t sure just how much Haru had paid attention to them.  Did he know that Ren had decided to leave Iwatobi?  Or that Ran was going to get married next year?  Did Gou mention she might be pregnant again?  Or Rei tell him that he and Nagisa were adopting?  How much did he know before Makoto died?

“Ai says he wants to try traveling abroad but his English still sucks.  I’ve tried tutoring him for years now but he can’t seem to memorize anything.” The doors shut and the train lurched forward from the station.  Rin felt his body bracing as if expecting a punch as Haru’s eyes widened slightly.

Gripping the rings above his head, Haru pulled himself out of his seat and staggered to the opposite side of the train.  Rin quickly followed, watching the people around him hoping he had made the right decision to bring Haru.

The train slowed as it began to turn the corner.  Most of the wreckage had been cleared and the rest was covered by large tarps and tents, keeping the public from seeing the worst.  Beside him, Rin could hear Haru’s breathing become erratic, could almost feel the tension in Haru’s body as he stared out the window. 

Suddenly, Haru pressed his hand against the door, his fingers curling against the glass.  Carefully, Rin turned to face his friend.  He kept his stance wide, ready for any change from Haru.

“It won’t be cleared up for a few more months,” he spoke softly so only Haru could hear.  He watched Haru’s eyes dilate but kept speaking, “They say they’re going to put up a memorial.  Nothing official but maybe a small shrine for everyone who died in the accident.”

Haru’s hand had started shaking, slightly, and Rin wasn’t sure if he had pushed more than he should.  Swallowing thickly, he decided to push a little more.

“So no one forgets those who died.” And then he saw it.

It wasn’t much but Rin was waiting for it.

The look of pure terror and grief that flashed across Haru’s face for just a second. 

The crack in whatever wall Haru had built around himself since Makoto’s death.

++

“Wah!  This is so good!  Rei-chan, you need to try the short ribs!” Nagisa pulled piece after piece from the grill as Rin watched in dismay.  It was one thing to tell people they needed to try something; it was another to actually _let_ them try it.

“I would try it if you didn’t eat them all, Nagisa!” Rei cried as he attempted to snatch one of the pieces away from Nagisa’s chopsticks.  Rin sipped at his beer and waited until both were busy arguing before snatching the last few pieces of short rib.

“Rin-chan!!!  You took them all!” Nagisa cried as he replaced the short ribs with pork.  It didn’t seem that he was truly upset over the loss.  Rin shrugged before nabbing a few pieces of the pork once they were done.

“Don’t tell us to try something if you don’t want us to eat it.”

Rei nodded in agreement as he started placing pieces of steak next to the pork, fending Nagisa off with his choptsicks.  It had been a while since Rin had spent time with his friends and it eased his mind to know that some people would never change.

“So,” he began, jabbing at a few vegetables on the grill, “what did you call me out for?”

The meat sizzled quietly on the grill while Rin awaited an answer.  Nagisa was smiling softly as he removed pieces of meat and vegetables, dividing everything evenly between him and Rei.  The sounds of other patrons laughing and eating filled the comfortable silence between the three.

“Rei and I, we decided to go through with the adoption.” Nagisa spoke softly but clearly, looking at Rin with his too bright eyes.  Uncomfortable under that stare, Rin turned with a sharp grin to Rei.

“So you finally caved, huh?” Rin raised his beer in a salute, smile softening as he looked at his friends. “Congratulations, then.”

Their glasses clinked together and Rin took a deep gulp, finishing off his drink before placing it back on the table.

“What made you do it?” he asked as Nagisa ordered more drinks for the table.  Rei shifted in his seat slightly, quickly glancing at Nagisa before speaking up.

“We’ve been talking about it for a while now so it’s not as though we suddenly decided.”  Rin snorted, startling Rei.  Of course they had been talking about it for a while; Nagisa had been bothering Makoto and Haru about their adoption at least two years ago.

“It wasn’t something we wanted to put off any longer.” Nagisa’s voice was uncharacteristically soft, bringing Rin’s attention to him.  His smile seemed fragile but his eyes were clear.  Suddenly, Rin’s throat felt thick and he didn’t want to hear anymore. “After Mako-chan…I want to make sure Rei-chan can keep everything we’ve done together.  Haru-chan doesn’t have to worry about losing their daughters or anything Mako-chan wanted to give him.  I feel the same way about Rei-chan.”

Scraping his chair against the floor, Rin leaned back from the table slightly to look between his friends better.  There was something unspoken hanging in the air and he didn’t like being caught unaware.

“We saw Haru-chan yesterday.”

The front legs of Rin’s chair crashed to the floor.  Fuck, there it was.

“He was different than the last time we were there.” Nagisa sipped his drink thoughtfully, head tilted to the side just so.  If Rin didn’t know him better, he’d think Nagisa was taunting him.  Fucking perceptive brat. “It was like he was Haru again, in a way.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Picking up his chopsticks, Rin placed some more meat on the grill to distract himself from Nagisa’s gaze.  Rei watched him silently.

“Hmmmm…well,” Taking his gaze away from Rin, Nagisa stared at the ceiling in thought, “I don’t really know either.  But he felt different; like he was trying to talk but didn’t know how.”

++

The night air was cool against Rin’s face as they left the restaurant.  Fall was setting in quickly and it would only be a few more weeks before they started getting the first hints of winter.  Taking a deep breath, Rin paused to release the tension at the base of his neck   Some distant voices caught his attention and Rin wondered if some of his fans had noticed him.  When he opened his eyes to look, he saw Nagisa in the middle of a group of girls, chatting cheerfully and signing autographs.

Rei and Nagisa were going to become a family.  As Rin watched the fans crowd around Nagisa, he couldn’t help but think that it would be Rei getting adopted into the Hazuki household.  It made Rin feel as though he were missing out on something.  First it was Makoto and Haru becoming a family, then Gou and Seijuurou got married.  Slowly, it felt to Rin as if he were being left behind.

Maybe it was time he wanted a family.  Maybe it was time Rin wanted to settle down and be more than just Uncle Rin.  Maybe he wanted these things but Makoto would have been the first person he’d want to talk with about this stuff.  Now, Rin wasn’t so sure.

Rei’s presence felt heavy next to him; Rin tilted his head to find Rei staring at him.

“What?” he asked heavily.  Clearing his throat, Rei adjusted his glances.

“You must have said or done something that pushed Haru-san.” The females cheered as Nagisa entertained them further, not seeming to worry about his friends behind him as Rin weighed his options.

“I took him by the accident site.” The words came out heavily.  The silence from Rei weighed on Rin’s mind causing him to second guess himself.  Had he done the right thing?

“I can’t say that what you did was wrong,” Rei spoke softly, “In fact, I believe Haru-san wouldn’t have made it this far without your help.”

Rin let out the breath he didn’t know he had been holding, his shoulders dropping in relief.  Rei continued.

“I don’t think Haru-san is able to move on, though.” Nagisa posed for a number of pictures, completely immersed in his idol popularity for the moment.  Shoving his hands in his pockets, Rin hunched his shoulders and kicked at a rock on the ground.

“Haru’ll be fine.  Nagisa said he was different now so just give him some time, all right?”

“I understand your reluctance, Rin, but I think you’re wrong.” The sound of his first name from Rei sent a warning shock through his body.  Rin could feel the hairs on the back of his neck rise in warning. “Haru-san ignored everyone for months after Makoto-san’s death.  He didn’t change until someone pushed him and forced him to face himself.  We could never get Haru-san to do something for us.  It was always Makoto-san who knew what to say or do to move Haru-san in the best direction.”

The streetlights flickered on and the group of fans slowly dispersed.  Alone on the sidewalk, Nagisa turned with his hands caught behind his back, smiling at Rin and Rei.  A cold wind whipped down the street, sending a shiver down Rin’s back as he turned to face Rei.

“Makoto-san is gone and Haru-san lost his direction.” Rei sighed and looked towards Nagisa, smiling gently. “It’s our turn to support Haru-san, for Makoto.”

++

A month passed before Rin was able to visit Haru again.  Work had kept him out of the country longer than expected but he had brought a few gifts for his nieces to make up for his absence.  Walking up the steps to the shrine, Rin’s stomach felt heavy.

He gave the door to Haru’s house three loud, quick knocks and stepped back, running a hand through his hair.  Now that he’d made it this far, Rin wasn’t sure if he wanted the door to open or not.  Nagisa hadn’t said anything to him after their dinner together; Rei had texted him once about something completely off topic but it had made Rin feel guilty for not checking on Haru sooner.

The door opened a crack and a pair of bright green eyes framed with auburn hair stared back at him.

“Good morning, Kizue-chan.” Rin greeted the girl lightly.  A happy squeal pierced the arm and Rin found himself being dragged in to the house by two sets of hands.

“Uncle Rin!!  You went overseas again?  Did you bring us something?”” Laughing softly, Rin bent down in the entryway and rubbed the girls’ heads.

“Yeah, I’ve got presents for you.  But first, where’s your Dad?” A look passed between Hisoka and Kizue and again, Rin was reminded of how similar to both Haru and Makoto they were.  Swallowing thickly, he pasted a grin on his face waiting for an answer.

“He’s probably in the living room now.” Hisoka nodded over her shoulder. “He spends the morning there after breakfast.”

Rin thought for a second.  If Haru was as bad as Nagisa and Rei claimed last month, it probably wasn’t going to be a very friendly meeting between them.  Not only that, Rin had a few not so pleasant things he needed to say and having the girls around made him uncomfortable.  Holding up the bags he had brought, Rin smirked at the twins.

“Why don’t you take your presents to your grandparents?  Ren and Ran are visiting so you guys can play together.”

The girls lit up at the prospect of playing with their uncle and aunt.  With quite a bit of commotion, Rin helped the twins dress for the cold weather before handing them their presents and sending them on their way.  He watched as the girls took off down the shrine steps, bags swinging wildly between them.

Closing the door, Rin took a shaky breath trying to calm his nerves.  Dammit, he really didn’t want to do this.  Ever.

Pushing off the door frame, he turned and headed into the house.

The scent of incense seemed to permeate everything.  It was lighter than the last time Rin had visited which made him wonder if he was more used to the smell now or if Haru wasn’t burning as many sticks as before.

In the living room, Haru sat silently on the sofa.  Rin coughed as he entered the room but there was no movement or sound to indicate that Haru had heard or was acknowledging his presence.  Cautiously, Rin made his way across the room and around the back of the sofa so he could see Haru’s face.

The man looked as impassive as ever if you weren’t familiar with him.  His eyes stared blankly ahead at the picture of Makoto set up in the family shrine.  Haru was wrapped in a sweater at least two sizes too large; Rin assumed, correctly, that it was one of Makoto’s.  Haru’s fingers toyed with the cuffs, twisting the fabric then pulling it until his hand was covered.

Clearing his throat again, Rin sent a silent prayer to his father for guidance.

“Hisoka and Kizue went to the Tachibanas.  They’ll probably be there all day.” Rin assured Haru though he was pretty sure their conversation earlier had been heard.  Haru didn’t move though his eyes flickered in Rin’s direction for a second.

“Haru,” Another shaky breath as Haru’s eyes moved in Rin’s direction, “enough already.”

Unsure of the reaction he would receive, Rin braced himself mentally and physically; it wouldn’t be the first time if Haru decided to take a swing at him.  But Haru didn’t move though Rin thought he saw something flicker in his eyes.

“How much longer is this going to last? Everyone is really worried about you, Haru.  It’s been eight months already; don’t you think it’s time you let go?” Whatever he had seen flash across Haru’s face died quickly and his eyes turned hard and cold.

“Shut up.” It was so quiet, Rin almost missed it.

 Rin could feel tension building as Haru glared at him and he knew he was already pushing his friend pretty far.  But it wasn’t quite enough.

 “You know what?  Fuck you, Nanase.  Everyone’s worried sick about you even though they’re hurting as much as you.” Rin watched Haru flex his fingers, balling the cuffs of the sweater in his fists.

“Shut up.”

“The Tachibanas lost their son; Ren and Ran lost a brother.  All of us were affected by this but you can’t take the time to say anything or let us know you’re alive.  You’re so fucking selfish!”

For a moment, Rin let himself get caught up in his frustration and anger.  How was it fair for Haru to do this to everyone?  How could he not even try to move on, keeping everyone else caught in his own fucking nightmare?  How could he do this to Makoto?

“Shut up.” Haru spoke louder, more forcefully.  But Rin continued on.

“I’m done with your bullshit.  You think you’re the only one hurting?  You’re not the only one who lost Makoto!”

He had been expecting it but the speed and intensity of Haru’s punch still caught him off guard.  Grabbing the front of Makoto’s sweater, Rin used Haru’s momentum to swing him sideways and slam his back against the wall.  There was a loud _crack_ as Haru’s head bounced against the wall but Rin couldn’t even begin to feel sorry; his jaw fucking hurt.

Haru’s hands grasped desperately at Rin’s arms, fingernails scratching and digging into Rin’s skin.  There was a bright, feverish light in his eyes which caught Rin by surprise.  Behind that brightness, Rin thought he saw something else that danced on the edge of despair and fear.

“Shut up!” Haru shouted, voice cracking at the end. “What do you know?  What can you possibly know what it’s like?!”

Growling, Rin tightened his hold on Makoto’s sweater and pushed Haru into the wall again.

“The fuck do you think?  You think you’re the only one who lost someone?  You’re not even trying, Haru!”

It was like watching a damn break.  The first crack was old and patched up but the stress of the past month had worn it down, caused it to weaken.  Rin watched Haru’s eyes dilate to pinpoints, could feel the man struggle to take in a breath of air.

“How?!  How can I?  Makoto…Makoto said it was meaningless without me!  He said he wanted to swim with me…” Haru’s breath hitched in his throat, his fingers tightening around Rin’s wrists.  “I only wanted to be with him.  For me, it’s impossible without Makoto!”

Rin let go of Makoto’s sweater but Haru’s grip kept him from pulling his hands back.  He could feel fingernails digging into his skin; Haru would draw blood soon but Rin didn’t try to pull free.

“Every day…every day I wanted to see Makoto’s smile.  Every day I waited for him to smile and offer his hand.  Every day…but I…I can’t remember his smile anymore!  There’s no hand to pull me out of the water anymore.” Tears streamed quietly down Haru’s face.  He didn’t seem to be aware of them as he stared at the ground. “Makoto never left me even when I called him irritating.  He never believed me when I said he was annoying.  Makoto said he’d always be there for me.  He always knew what I wanted to say, always knew what I was thinking.  I-I don’t know…I don’t know where to go.  I can’t go on without Makoto.”

Letting go of Makoto’s sweater, Rin grasped Haru’s shoulders and forced him to look up.  He looked so lost and scared that Rin wasn’t sure he was looking at Haru.  He forced himself to look into Haru’s eyes, forced himself to see the desperation and emptiness in them.  Then, he forced himself to speak.

“You’re holding him back, not letting him go like this.  You’re not being fair to Makoto.”

Haru’s pupils blew so wide that Rin could hardly see the blue of his irises.  There was a sharp intake of breath and Haru’s fingers loosened before his hands dropped to his sides.  A nasty, sick feeling formed in the pit of Rin’s stomach making it churn uncomfortably.

“I thought you two had this unbreakable bond.  That you could understand each other no matter what.  You think Makoto can rest peacefully with you like this?”

After everything he’d done in his life, even after the way he treated his friends after returning from Australia, Rin had never hated himself more than when he heard the keening sound coming from Haru as he dropped to the floor, arms wrapped around his stomach.  Rin didn’t know what to do as the first heartwrenching sob escaped the hand Haru had clasped to his mouth.   Rin wanted to leave but knew he couldn’t as the man screamed on the floor in front of Makoto’s shrine.

Legs weak, Rin lowered himself to the ground and placed a hand on the back of Haru’s head, waiting for his friend to get through the first wave of his grief so he could be there to help him pick up the pieces.

++

The air was sharp and cold as he inhaled deeply, his hands shaking faintly as he placed them on his knees.  He laid the flowers he had brought with him carefully on the stone before him, taking his time to arrange them.  A stick of incense smoldered and every so often he could catch a hint of the scent on the wind.  The twins knelt on either side of him as they sent silent prayers to the dead.

Raising his head, Haru watched his fingers carefully trace the inscription on the headstone.

_Tachibana Makoto_.

“Makoto,” he breathed.  He wanted to say more; needed to say more but every word stuck in his throat.  Instead, he looked at the stone as he would have looked at Makoto in real life, letting his eyes convey his thoughts.

Perhaps it was stupid, to believe that Makoto would still be able to understand what he was thinking without him saying it but for Haru, it was the most natural form of communication with him.  Rin had been right; their bond shouldn’t be ended by death.

He sat there for a long time.  His feet began to go numb, the girls left a while ago but still, Haru knelt and talked to Makoto. 

Haru told him everything that had happened; how he’d been afraid to let go and move forward.  How he was scared of forgetting Makoto and losing an important part of his life.  How his friends had been there the entire time to see him through and how he knew that he’d be able to continue on because of their support.

Finally, after what felt like hours, Haru pushed himself off his knees and stood.  He rested one hand on their headstone, the other gripped the ring hanging from his neck.

“I’ll never forget you, Makoto.” He whispered, a bittersweet smile on his face. “I know you’ll always be there to guide me and our daughters.  So I won’t say goodbye; not yet.  But it’ll be a while before we meet again.  Sorry to make you wait for me.”

“Haru-chan!” Nagisa called from a few graves over.  He was waving wildly while Rei was attempting to restrain him.  Haru smiled and, tucking the ring inside his shirt, turned to leave.

Rin pushed himself off the tree he had been leaning against, carefully studying Haru’s face before speaking.

“Say everything you needed to?”

Shoving his hands in his pockets, Haru nodded and walked out of the family plot.  “Yeah, thanks.”

Rin snorted and walked away. 

Haru made to follow but stopped as the first snowflake drifted in front of his eyes.  Looking up, he saw more snow beginning to fall softly throughout the graveyard and probably the rest of Iwatobi.  A feeling of serenity washed through Haru as he watched the flakes fall, distantly hearing Nagisa admiring the sight as well.  Haru turned to give one last look to the headstone before leaving.

“Thank you, Makoto.  I’ll come see you again soon.”

The snow was falling more thickly as Haru left the graveyard with his friends and he was content to know that even now, Makoto could still hear him.

**Author's Note:**

> I regret nothing.
> 
> Lots of thanks to Shiniki for being my beta and sounding board. All mistakes made are my own.


End file.
